Struggling Lately

This has been on my mind a lot lately and I am really stressing over this.

I lost my job last March and still have not been able to find one. I worked as a Secretary and really they are a dime a dozen. I decided a couple of months ago that I would go back to school to finally get a degree. I will be going after my paralegal degree, although it will take 2 yrs to get. At least in 2 years I will have more earning potential.

Anyway, they last week or so I have been super depressed over the fact that I have no job. I have applied for so many jobs that it is not even funny. The problem is the economy, and I am worried. Yes, I have my man, who takes care of me more than I could ever ask for, but I never wanted to be dependent on him.

I really wish I could find a job, at this point even a part time job would work. I cannot find anything and it is wearing really bad on me.

I guess I should focus on the future and realize that although I do not have a job, at least I have my health and my family. Which is more than some people have.

Ok, I will not stress so much about this, at least I am lucky and my man knows I am looking and not once has he pressured me to find something. I am very lucky and I do know this.

Message Boards and the drama

Right now it looks like not to many people like me..Oh well.

I had posted about CS and my X, and boy did I offend some people on a message board that I have been going to for about 7 yrs. They made it seem that since I am not working, (I was laid off due to budget cuts) that I am not allowed to get upset since x did nothing to notify me, child support or anyone else for that matter. He could not even be responsible enough to file for unemployement.

Then when I posted that I am trying to better myself by going back to school they made it sound like how dare I go back to school, and still want to collect CS. I was so upset I was sitting here at my computer crying because these people do not know me, have no idea what has happened in my life.

Then these same people blasted me for allowing FI to support my children and I, like I do nothing to contribute to our household expenses. The way I look at it is that we are in a partnership and we work together on everything. Since I am not working then he picks up the slack, I would do the same thing for him in a heartbeat.

I decided to take a break from that message board, I will still be lurking but I will not post, my feelings are to raw at this point. I have been treated like shit by too many people and finally had the courage and the strength to make my life better and I do not need people in it who bring me down.

Anyway, that is what is going on with me today.

Purely A Vent

This is purely a vent about X2, who I refer to as Loser boy. I do receive child support from him, via child support enforcement. I had to fight for what I do get. He has 2 other kids so employers can only take a certain amount. Well last summer he lost his job and I only found out when I called CSE and they told me it looked like he was receiving unemployement benefits. I did receive a small portion of that, say 20% of what I was supposed to be getting, but the point was is that he could not be man enough to either call me or go down to CSE to let them know. Well back in October he got his old job back and then I had to fight to have them take out the CS, all was fine for a bit. I never receive the full amount but at least I was getting something.

Well I know when he gets paid and know how cs works so a payment is due so I went down there today and they are showing nothing, and actually told me to contact him to see what the problem is. Well we have zero contact, I have sole custody of boo and he only gets supervised visits. I have not seen or spoken to him since August 2007. I do not have a current phone number for him.

So today I ended up calling his boss. His boss has always been very nice to me. I found out that he was let go, and with this economy I cannot really blame LB, but I do blame him for not contacting CSE. He has a responsibility to boo. She does cost money and kids are not cheap.

I am annoyed once again that I have to fight for just a little bit of money is that owed. It will once again take months to even find out where he is working when he does get a job.

At this point he just got remarried and is on a 2 week honeymoon. I am annoyed that he puts boo bear last. Always has, and always will.

If I could afford to I would tell him to shove the damn child support up his ass.

I hate him, I really do. Makes me wonder what I ever saw in him. He always treated me like shit. Oh well my life is so much better now. Screw him.

Man, weddings are expensive

I have been married before, ok, 2x, but I have never had a "wedding" so needless to say, I am happy, and excited, and nervous. I have been shopping for my dress for months. I had about given up because I just cannot see spending over 1000 dollars for a dress I am going to wear once. Then one night I was on ebay and decided to look for a dress there. I found it, custom made for me. It is beautiful. I go and pick it up in the morning.

So now back to the wedding, I really think that if you put the word wedding in front of anything it goes up 200 percent, take wedding flowers, a normal boquet of flowers to put in your home is what 50 dollars. I have looked into flowers and the cheapest I have found is 400 dollars. I refuse to pay that for something that is going to die before I even get to the reception.

Since we are paying for this ourselves I have been trying to cut corners. I got my dress of ebay, my girls got inexpensive dresses, FI works with a guy who took my pictures last year and offered to do our pictures for free. It is his gift to us. I do not have to buy fancy shoes that I will only wear once, since I am getting married on the beach I am wearing flip flops from Old Navy, which BTW is the best place to buy flip flops.

I decided that I will have ODD15 do our hair, just to save some money, well I want a little fancy hair accesory for my hair, ok, since you put wedding in front of it, something that you would normally pay 5 dollars for is now 50 dollars. Ok, whatever.

FI and I are going this weekend to order our cake, so we shall see how much this is. I am sure it will not be cheap.

I just have to remember that this is one day, and we do not want to pay for it for the rest of our lives. I want it to be nice and beautiful, but classy at the same time. I really do not want it to look cheap.

I was stressing a lot, now I am just stressing a little. Here's to hoping the wedding comes together the way I want it too.

Acid Reflux Problems

I have always been pretty healthy, no problems with my health other than when I am pregnant, so when I got sick last summer it was miserable.

It all started when I made some mozzeralla sticks, I really love those things so I decided to make some for me and the girls. Awhile after I just felt sick, I was belching like a drunken sailor on leave. I figured it would stop after a bit, but nope, it was horrific, FI being the wonderful prince that he is went to the store and bought everything he could think of for the problem. This went on for a month, the belching would ease up for a bit maybe even for a day or two and then it would start all over again. Finally one night we ended up in the ER where they did tests and pumped me full of medicine did they say that it was acid reflux. They wanted to give me a script but of course I said I was fine. I have been taking otc stuff since then, usually I just take a pill in the AM and I am good. Well for a couple of days last month I forgot and I was fine, so I decided not to take them every day to just switch to every other day and it was working just fine, until today. I was at Target with FI and I felt the pain coming, so as soon as I got home I took a pill, but it does not seem to be working. FI thinks I should go to the dr and I suppose I willm but for the meantime it just stinks that I am having this pain.

I am really trying to plan this wedding and it is all coming together and now I feel like crud, and have to avoid all these spicy foods. Oh well, I guess this is a sign that I am getting older. I really guess that I am not 16 anymore.

Planning the wedding

I am getting married in June and although this is not the first time I am getting married I am really excited. With my other marriages it was different, with my first one I was young, 18 and pregnant and his mom planned the whole thing. I really did not have much say so in the matter, I just kind of just rolled with it and showed up since I was young and naive and really did not know any different. With my second marriage, we just went to the courthouse and got married. Now with my prince, he has never been married and I want to have everything perfect. I have been stressing for months over this. We are also paying for this ourselves so I am trying to watch what we do spend. Anyway, when I was shopping for my dress since I have never had one I could not find one in the price range I wanted that I really wanted, and forgive me for saying this, but really spending over a grand for a dress that I am going to wear once is beyond crazy IMO. I finally found one, and of all places on EBAY. I am waiting on it now and it should be here within the next month.

Now since we are getting married on the beach, I needed flip flops, and since I have a tendency to have a bit of OCD, I focus on one thing and am really not happy until the issue is resolved. I really wanted wedding flip flops all cute and that. Every single pair I found either on line or in the store I hated, so finally I said "Old Navy it is" I live in ON flip flops. So now I have a brand new pair of ON white flip flops.

Now, I finally have the girls' dresses, Boo was easy, we found an adorable pink easter dress for her that is fancy enough for the wedding and is inexpensive. Gotta love Target, and we found a pair of fancy white flip flops at OB for her. She is all set.

Now onto my older girls, ODD15 is shaped like my Mom, big breasted and full figured. MDD15 is tall and thin, so anything fits her. We went to the bridal shop on Thursday afternoon, and ODD hated the dress that we had originally picked out, the day before she loved it and could not wait to get it, but once it was on it was the ugliest dress ever. She must have tried on 20 dresses and nothing worked or so she thought. Finally I blew up and said, fine, if this is how you are going to act I am done, lets go, you do not have to be in the wedding, she finally agreed on a dress but the fit pitching is really for a 3 yr old. MDD13, got a really cute dress, and it was on sale for 59 dollars so I am happy about that. We have to wait to get ODD's dress, since they did not have it in stock. Then they have to alter it because it is too long. The joys of teenagers.

Now I am about to work on the wedding invitations and am really excited about this. My prince's parents really never thought that they would see the day that their son would get married, so this is very exciting for them. Anyway, I really feel like this is all coming together and cannot wait.

I am sure that once the wedding gets closer I will be posting on here a lot more about this.

Shopping and my girls

I am getting married in June..yes, again. Anyway, I have been busy planning the wedding and I will admit I have a tad of OCD, so I have a tendency to go overboard on things. Anyway, I have my dress, and I have Boo's dress, and so I have been going round and round with my older two about dresses, for months, one likes one thing and the other doesn't. Then one of them does not like the colors I have picked, (pink and purple) They have actually said that they think my colors are ugly...ok whatever.

Anyway, I finally had it, my wedding is fast approaching and I am a planner by nature, and like things planned way in advance. Anyway, I went there and talked to a planner and we talked and she showed me some dresses and gave me a catalog, I went to the girls last night and said, pick one together, or I will pick it. First they could not agree and then ODD15 picked one that was 250 or something like that. I said to her, you do realize that I have to buy 2 of these right? They finally found one and I am so happy about that. We go tonight to have them fitted. Then they should be in about April, so plenty of time for any more fittings or anything like that.

So what I have learned that maybe I did not know about teenage girls is that they really only think of themselves and in case you did not know the world revolves around them.

Sometimes, I really think that kids, especially girls, are so much better when they are little, say, like, 5 yr old. They are all snuggly and warm and think that you actually hung the moon, and could do no wrong.

Anyway, I am hoping that this fitting with the girls tonight goes off with little to no drama. Keep your fingers crossed.

Internet Safety and my girls

I never thought that I would be posting something like this but here I am. Yesterday my man got a call from his buddy who works for the police dept in the computer forensics dept. J, the friend basically tears apart the computers of sexual predators who have internet porn of children on the computers. So J calls my man because a guy that was just arrested had tons of photos of children, young preteen to teen girls on his computer and said that one of the pictures could be my middle daughter, so I call J, and he says I really need a picture of T (middle daughter) from summer of 2007. He did say that he was pretty sure that it was not her, so I emailed him several of her. He calls me back and it was her. I started yelling, OMG over and over again. I was so freaked out and still am. He did say there was nothing inappropiate about the picture. We had originally thought it had come from either my older daughter's myspace page or my middle daughters one. When I finally saw the picture I knew that the picture was never on myspace.

I am still unsure how this whack job did get the picture, but I did talk to the both of them about internet safety and what not to share and things like this.

I am beyond angry, these are my children, and it was my job to protect them and I feel like I have in a way let them down. I know I need to let go of the anger and just be thankful that this sicko did not contact them or anything like this.

The good news is that this moron is looking at no less than 10 yrs and more likely 15-20.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to watch your children and what they do at all times. It could very well be innocent, your kid takes a picture and emails it to their friend, it just has a snowball effect.

I am just so glad that we have J, otherwise we would have never known about this.

Being sick sucks

It all started Friday, Boo woke up and was not feeling well. I honestly thought it was her asthma so I kept her home from VPK so we could get it under control. Saturday she still felt bad but I thought she was on the mend, I brought out her froggy humidifier and she was once again her happy 5 yr old self.

Then it hit me, Saturday night when I went to bed I felt fine, but about 1AM I woke up with pains all over my body and this horrible cough. I got up Sunday and could not even stomache the coffee. I slept most of the day and only had a glass of orange juice. Thank god for my man, he took care of me and the girls, he is such a good man. Even though I slept most of the day I was still asleep by 8 on Sunday night.

Then this morning I woke up and still felt horrible and now my allergies are acting up. When I say my allergies are acting up I mean a horrible, itchy, red rash all over my body, it stinks, and if you do not look closely you think I have a sunburn, so then you have people making comments like "looks like you got some sun this weekend" No you idiot it is my allergies. Of course I could take some allergy meds for it, but the only ones that actually work is the prescription ones, that also knock me out for 2 days so that is not an option.

Did I mention I hate being sick? Being sick and being a Mom is no joy, you still have to do the same things but you cannot relax and just sleep, nope you still have to get the kids ready, take them to school and so on. I guess I cannot complain too much because I have the best man ever, who took care of me all day yesterday and let me sleep. What a great guy I have, but of course he had to go to work today, so I had to get up and do all the things I had to do...oh well, such is life.

Anyway, I hope I feel better tomorrow I have so much to do for the wedding and not a lot of time, I feel the clock ticking.