Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and as my own children are still sleeping in their bed's I cannot help but think about my own Mom. My Mom passed away almost 11 years ago and I cannot help but to think about her almost daily still.

My Mom was a very special woman, she grew up very poor and spent most of her life in foster care. When she was in her early 20's she met my Dad and they got married and had 3 girls. From countless stories, I have heard it was not an easy marriage, but my Mom stayed and my Dad passed away in 1976 when I was almost 2. At this point my Mom had three children ages 1, 3, 5 and no education and no job. She had never balanced a checkbook or anything. My own grandma (Dad's Mom) tried to get her to give us up for adoption, she refused.

I know my Mom had some hard times, but the thing was she was always there for us, she did everything possible for us, and we knew she loved us. I fondly remember trips to the beach in the summer, going for ice cream and holidays that she did everything possible to make special.

Mom passed away very unexpectedly in the Summer of 1998. I have always had a hard time dealing with her death, but I just know that she is looking down and sees how my life has turned out and is proud of how I have turned out.

I know with my own children that I have always tried to do special things with them, because honestly when they are all grown up they will look back and remember that I did things with them and that I loved them, no matter what.

To me being a good Mom boils down to one thing which is did I try? If I did then all is well, if I put my all into it, then this is a great thing, but if I took the easy way out then we have a problem.

So today, I am wishing all the Mom's out there a Happy Mother's Day, and to my own Mom who I believe is looking down at me, smiling at the person I have become...Happy Mother's Day. I love you.

Friday, April 17, 2009

My loser ex & why I am glad I am outta there

I just found out through the grapevine that my ex husband, Boo's Bio Dad and his new wife are expecting. Now I am not bashing the fact that he is having another child. I am upset with the fact that he will now be having yet another child that he cannot support. He has three children already, Boo and two other kids from his first marriage. He is not working and CSE is now going after him for the child support that he does owe.

Let's also look at the fact that not only does he not have a job, he is driving around in a car that has no insurance, and the tag expired in 2007.

He also has not seen my precious boo in just about 2 yrs. I will never forget the night he left, he said to my precious boo, "I am leaving now, soon you will get a new daddy" I was repulsed at this.

She is so much better off now, she has pretty much forgotten the abuse that was in the home and the abuse that she suffered.

Every single time I look at my daughter I am so glad that I left and gave my children a better life. They will never have to fear going home or fear the abuse that they had to put up with. I really wish I could turn back the clock and never even talked to the loser who is now my x husband.

I am all for having children if you can afford too. I am not saying that you have to have a ton of money in the bank, but IMHO you should insure your car before you even think of having a child.

Anyway, I am glad that I left that horrible relationship, and my life is so much better off.

Honestly the best thing he has ever done is to just leave my boo alone, for this I am ever so thankful for. At least now my darling baby girl has a chance of a normal, happy life.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

All Registered & so excited!

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a lawyer. I had dreams of going to law school and just making a difference in the world. That is until I discovered boys. When I got pregnant with ODD15 I was 18 and dropped out of high school. MDD13 followed a couple of years later. By then I was resigned to the fact that probably my only job in life was going to be that as a Mom. Well when I divorced a year after giving birth to MDD13 I took any job I could. I was dirt poor and college was the furthest thing from my mind. Heck I did not even have a high school diploma.

Then I met X2, and from the start our marriage was rocky. It was abusive and everything bad all rolled into one. The only good thing I got out of that marriage was my Boo who is now 5. I had talked about going back to school. It always turned into a fight about how I was stupid and we could not afford it. By the time I married him I had gotten my GED.

I figured I would just work the rest of my life and so on. I was working for the State and things were good. I was going through another divorce and then I met FI, who is really who I should have married. This man is truly amazing. When I got laid off along with about 50 other people he did not flinch, told me we would make it. I could not find a job and finally found a waitressing job, where my tips were piddly and my paychecks were bouncing. I was frustrated and he told me to quit, because the stress was not worth it.

Finally a couple of months ago when I was frustrated that I could not find a job, it finally dawned on me. I would have a much better shot if I had an education. I did some research and went to FI about it. His response "Go for it" Man do I love him.

So I decided to go for my paralegal degree and all the financial aspects of it are taken care of. I registered for my classes yesterday and I am so excited. I know this will not be easy, but here I am 34 years old and am going to be starting college. I am so excited.

And then I start thinking about my Mom. She always told me how smart I was and how proud she was of me, even after I made mistakes. She passed away almost 11 years ago and I just know that she is looking down and is so proud of the way my life has turned out. Yes, I have had several bumps in the road but when it comes down to it, I do my best for my girls.

I know that now my life is looking good. I have choices that I did not have even 2 years ago. Life is great and for this I am ever so thankful. I just think back to have things were 2-3 years ago and it seems that it is a different person living that life.

I know I am headed in the right direction. It is funny, X1, ODD & MDD's Dad and I were talking awhile back and he looks at me and says "I am so proud of you" My life has changed drastically and he knows this.

I am quite proud of myself only if I can project how important college is to ODD who is really just focused on her boyfriend lately. One can hope.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Life and the choices we make

Life is so weird. It is amazing to think that choices that you make when you are 17 or 18 years old will effect the rest of your life. Today I am going to blog about my sister, who is 2 years older than me and how her life has turned out because of choices she has made.

T, was in love with her high school sweetheart, J, who really pretty much treated her like crap. The summer before her senior year she got pregnant. They did not realize the impact of not using birth control. She ended up having a miscarriage and was devasted. To make matters worse while she was in the hospital recovering from this, he was out with a close friend of hers and got her pregnant. When she went back to school in the fall, him and his now pregnant girlfriend spread a horrible rumor that she had an abortion. She was taunted daily. She ended up dropping out.

Her self esteem was very low at this point. She then met a man named Steve, who made her feel pretty and all the important things. By this time we are living in Florida, and her and steve left in the middle of the night, we did not hear a word from her for months, until she showed up with bruises all over her body and pregnant. She never heard from Steve again. She went on to have a little girl, named T, who is now 17 yrs old. She then went through several relationships and wound up pregnant wth another little girl, K, who is now 15. She finally settled down and got married and had yet another girl, D, who is 11.

T, who is now 17, has pretty much always had problems. She was ADD and ADHD and would go spastic on you. She was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and other mental issues.

My sister said that as long as T got what she wanted she was fine, but when you put your foot down she would go ballistic. She is now a big girl, weighs at least 200 lbs and has been out of control for a long time. My sister had no idea what to do. For the past year or so she has started to hurt herself, and said that she would blame my sister and her husband. My sister finally found out how true this statement is on Wednesday afternoon. T did not get off the bus, she called the school and noone said anything other than the fact that she was in school. They were assigned a social worker after T's latest hospital stay, and they have had a problem with T running away. They called the social worker and said that they thought she had run away. The social worker said that she was now in state custody because of abuse, and they would be investagiting my sisters other two children.

Last night, Thursday, they came and took the other two kids. My sister is devestated. She does not know what to do, and IMO has always tried to do the right thing, but because of her poor choices and lack of income and education has no choice but to now to try fight for her children.

I have spent the last couple of days looking back at our childhood. We grew up in a single parent home (Dad died when I was 1) My Mom raised three girls on her own with zero help from the outside. It was tough and we struggled a lot, but I always knew that my Mom loved us.

My oldest sister, C, lost custody of her own three children almost 10 years ago, and to this day is still fighting for them. It is such a sad situation.

I really do not know what to do for T, other than to be there for her and make some phone calls. I am by no way educated (Although I am going to start college in a few weeks) I am worried immensely about the children and really do not even know what to say to my sister, other than call the lawyer that was appointed to you. I am calling DCF today and checking on the children. I am scared, and if I am scared I cannot imagine what my sister is feeling.

So if you are reading this please say a prayer for my family.

Today I will be talking to my daughters about what is going on and hopefully they will realize that we all have choices in life, whether we make the right choice or the wrong one that is all up to us.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

My Baby is growing up

I really cannot believe my Boo is growing up. She will be 6 this year and starting kindergarten. WOW! Where has all the time gone?

I really hate to say this, but I am closer to her than my other girls. I think this could be for a number of reasons. First when she was born she almost died, and I do not think I have ever been so scared my whole life. Every single time that we thought she was fine, she would turn grey/blue and start choking. We eventually after about a day moved her to a children's hospital a few hours away.

I have always had the utmost faith in doctors. Maybe too much, but when you are talking to a Dr. about your not even 2 day old preemie baby and they say "We do not know what is wrong with your baby" It is scary. I spent as much time up there at the hospital as humanly possible. We later found out that she had apnea and reflux. She spent almost a full year on a apnea monitor and she is still on meds for reflux.

Boo was a slow talker, at 2 she was still not speaking. I remember moving back from CA and going to a friends house who has a child 3 days younger than my boo. Her daughter at one point said "Mommy, lets go outside and play" I almost burst into tears. After we left ODD who was almost 12 looked at me and said "something is wrong with boo" We ended up getting speech therapy and it was the best thing we could ever do for her.

Anyway, I am just amazed at what Boo can do. I signed her up for swimming lessons because since we live in Florida, during the summer we spend a lot of time at the beach and the pool, and she has a fear of water. I cannot believe how she has taken to the lessons, she is like a fishy, all kicking and having the best time ever. She loves it. This has also helped her come out of her shell. A year ago if you had so much as said hello she would have probably burst into tears and came running for me.

I am just so impressed with how much she has grown. Not just physically, but emotionally. She has been through so much in her life and she has proven that you can overcome things.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Struggling Lately

This has been on my mind a lot lately and I am really stressing over this.

I lost my job last March and still have not been able to find one. I worked as a Secretary and really they are a dime a dozen. I decided a couple of months ago that I would go back to school to finally get a degree. I will be going after my paralegal degree, although it will take 2 yrs to get. At least in 2 years I will have more earning potential.

Anyway, they last week or so I have been super depressed over the fact that I have no job. I have applied for so many jobs that it is not even funny. The problem is the economy, and I am worried. Yes, I have my man, who takes care of me more than I could ever ask for, but I never wanted to be dependent on him.

I really wish I could find a job, at this point even a part time job would work. I cannot find anything and it is wearing really bad on me.

I guess I should focus on the future and realize that although I do not have a job, at least I have my health and my family. Which is more than some people have.

Ok, I will not stress so much about this, at least I am lucky and my man knows I am looking and not once has he pressured me to find something. I am very lucky and I do know this.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Message Boards and the drama

Right now it looks like not to many people like me..Oh well.

I had posted about CS and my X, and boy did I offend some people on a message board that I have been going to for about 7 yrs. They made it seem that since I am not working, (I was laid off due to budget cuts) that I am not allowed to get upset since x did nothing to notify me, child support or anyone else for that matter. He could not even be responsible enough to file for unemployement.

Then when I posted that I am trying to better myself by going back to school they made it sound like how dare I go back to school, and still want to collect CS. I was so upset I was sitting here at my computer crying because these people do not know me, have no idea what has happened in my life.

Then these same people blasted me for allowing FI to support my children and I, like I do nothing to contribute to our household expenses. The way I look at it is that we are in a partnership and we work together on everything. Since I am not working then he picks up the slack, I would do the same thing for him in a heartbeat.

I decided to take a break from that message board, I will still be lurking but I will not post, my feelings are to raw at this point. I have been treated like shit by too many people and finally had the courage and the strength to make my life better and I do not need people in it who bring me down.

Anyway, that is what is going on with me today.